little room.

I don’t believe this has become an issue worth mentioning but I reckon it does not hurt to examine.

When I’m at an unfamiliar home, I’ve made it a habit to ask to use the restroom. I’m sure that’s not uncommon.

The problem starts here.

I don’t use the restroom. I take that opportunity to rummage through their medicine cabinet and rearrange their belongings. I can’t explain it but it makes me feel as though I know more about them.

Try it sometime. You’ll see.

Oh, it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes, foul mistakes are made. Then you’re left trying to explain the situation at hand.

For instance; when David and I first started dating, I asked to use his restroom. Now’s my chance to see how hygienic, vain, or tidy he really is. I turned on the faucet to disguise the sound of my frantic rummaging.

What I failed to realize was that his medicine cabinet was no medicine cabinet. It was a cheap Ikea mirror made to imitate a medicine cabinet by slightly projecting off his wall above his faucet.

Let’s cut to the chase. The mirror fell off his wall and shattered into a million little pieces.

How am I going to explain myself?

denial twist.

I've spent my entire life fixing the mistakes I've made. I just realized that I lived for 21 years and yet, I have nothing to say for myself.

girl, you have no faith in medicine

When was the last time you felt loved?

Up until 4th grade, I always looked forward to getting sick. I kid you not, if I found out Little Johnny was coughing up a storm, I'd be his new best friend. Why you ask? No, it was not because my parents let me skip school. They would never. Can you imagine being the only kid in elementary school with perfect attendance? Embarrassing.

It was because my mom gave me her undivided attention. It was my time to be selfish, and for the middle child, I craved that moment. It didn't matter that I physically felt like death, those things are just temporary.

My mother's metal alarm would wake her up every couple of hours to check on me and fetch me warm water and medicine. It didn't end there. She would wait there, in the middle of the night until I fell asleep. I can't remember any other time I felt that safe. I had no doubt in my mind that this is love.

Drinking myself into excess.

“You use to laugh so easily.”

You’re right.

“You use to be a lot more fun.”

I vaguely remember.

“You know that feeling when the things you care the most about are completely irrelevant to everyone else? “

I’m quite fond of that feeling.

“You know that feeling when the things you care about the most think nothing of you?”

I’m familiar.

“You know that feeling when the things you care about the most just want you to let go? “

Believe me, I’m stuck.

Deliver me.

“I thought you would know better. Yet, this cycle always ends here. I promise you. “

Pardon the mess. I am a bit drunk.

As much as I pretend I’m not affected, and believe me, this façade feels quite permanent.

But as much as I pretend, you know how it feels.

“I’m not going to be replaced. It’s about time. Don’t you think? What’s the worst that can happen?"

Exactly.

the problems in hand are lighter than at heart

I had a long and awkward conversation with a friend today when I was at work.

Strange, people catch me at work because I no longer exist after I leave. Even more strange, I'd rather be completely alone than share an awkward moment with someone unfamiliar.

Four days a week, five hours each day, I'm not alone.

You know, people ask me for advice because they think I won't judge them. They think I'm a "listener". They think I'm paying close attention.

People ask me for advice because they think I'll give them an honest input. The truth is I just tell them what they want to hear.

I do believe we are all selfish one way or another.

a.) agree

b.) medication

c.) quit job

d.) I've lost respect for you

bus stop.

A few days before I started kindergarten, my granddad told me he will always be waiting at the bus stop to walk me home.

I take that back.

He was not my granddad. He was my seventy-something-year-old jewish neighbor. I just felt like he was something more.

As insignificant as two short blocks may seem, he was never late. When he couldn't make it, his wife would be there to take his place.

Is it true? When you're old and disconnected from the rest of the civilized world, you feel the need to dress up for every occasion? For every occasion even if it's just to leave your nest for a few minutes.

He never failed to put on his uniform: white button-down, cardigan, black stacks, oxfords, and never without a hat. Still remains to be the most stylish person I've known.

He was never late.

I take that back.

This one day when I was around seven, he never showed.

I waited at the bus-stop for him for what seemed like hours as my temper started to boil.

Christine, it's a three-minute walk to your house. Go for it.

I did.

When I reached the tip of our property; his house was in plain sight.

I was furious. I marched up to his door to demanded an explanation.

No one was home.

I sat at their doorstep for a few minutes and waited for boredom to kick in.

Then I stood up and walked home.

His wife walked me home the rest of that week.

I didn't ask for an explanation.

After that week, he walked me home everyday.

He was never late.

Forth or fifth grade, I can't remember…

What I do remember was when Jonathan Diaz told me I was "a little too old" to have someone escort me home in broad daylight.

Shame.

I ran this over in my head a million times but I still can't remember how it happened.

He never walked me home ever again.

It was pouring outside and I was sure he'd be there at the bus stop with his huge black umbrella waiting to shield me like he use to. When I use to love rainy days.

But he wasn't.

What could I have said that was so heartless?

Forgive me, I was nine.

key fall items

You will need plenty of lightweight scarves. You know, to accent your outfits and throw in a little color...

Berets...just because I love hats. I feel as though it bumps up my style points.

Jean jacket-because everyone needs this in their wardrobe.

Military Jacket-with a ton of pockets...I love this because I don't have to carry my purse around.

Fitted blazer-If it weren't fall, I'd definitely replace this is a peacoat-just a dressier appeal.

Cardigans-just so feminine. Need I say more?

Button-down shirts-Just so masculine and cool. Need I say more?

Silk shirts-hangs kind of loose, ultra comfortable. Looks great under a structured jacket.

Mini-shirts-okay, when I like something, I exploit it and buy two. Worn loose or long shirts...just looks laid-back and cool. Oh and dress them with opaque tights for a different angle.

Pencil skirts-so technically, this is not a pencil skirt...they don't fit my body type. This is the best alternative for me. Figure flattering and hugs at the waist...for when I want to look a little more thought out. Only to be worn with heels.

new favorite mascara

Jemma Kidd Tailored Eyes Defining Mascara ($17 at Target). When I buy mascaras, I generally look for lengthening or defining mascaras. The little wand on this mascara is perfect and the formula is not too thick. This is my favorite mascara at the moment.

leap into the void.

Do or Don't

So my friend Nick is usually always right about trends coming in and going out (he told me over a year ago that Doc Martins were coming back)...He has this obsession with bringing things that are totally out of style like TUK Creepers and Mid-Drifts back into our daily wardrobe.

I wore a Mid-Drift shirt he bought me about a month ago and felt completely uncomfortable...But this one is my very own that I made myself.

What's your honest opinion. Is it hopeless or would you consider it?